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SURVEY!!!

Age?: 16
Height?: 5'2"
Weight?:123
Lowest Weight?: 84
highest Weight?: 155
What weight do you want to weigh?: 80
What eating disorder do you have?: anorexia, but i've been purging ever since my hospitalization
In Depth

How many calories do you eat in a day, on average?: around 0-300 if i don't binge
Do you throw up your food on occasion?: yes
Do you want to look like a supermodel/actress? no
Has anyone ever teased you about your weight?: my brother always makes sly remarks, even though he's 275 and shorter than i am

Have you ever fasted? If so, for how long?: yes, 15 days
do you take laxatives to get rid of food/calories?: if i have them
Are you 'inspired' by models/actresses?: not really, real girl for me =]
Have you ever been hospitalised for your ED?: yes
Have you ever ingested Ipecac to induce vomiting?: no
Have you ever tried to recover from your eating disorder?: eh, kind of
Body Image Q's

Do you constantly see yourself as fat, even though others say you are not?: oh yes, very much so.
What part of your body would you change? : everything
On a scale of 1-10, how happy are you with your body?: negative infinity
you judge your value/merit solely on your weight/body?: the scale decides how my day will go
apperance/weight, have you become severely depressed?: oh yes

Do you constantly compare your bodies to supermodels/actresses?: yes

Health/Food

Do you think you eat healthy enough? absolutely not
Are you morbidly afraid to eat carbs?: sometimes
Fat grams?: i don't really count fat grams, even though i know i should
Calories?: oh yes
Are you often tired/fatigued?: extremely
do you feel more energised after eating food?: no, i get wicked sick to my stomach
Do you eat meat?: rarely.
Do you eat your food in a certain way? uhhh, i guess?
people tell you you look sick or famished?: not anymore =[
Have you ever thrown up blood?: no, thank god
Is your heart bpm above 49?: yes
Do you have fainting spells from lack of eating?: light headedness, blackouts, but not fainting spells
Do you think the media is at fault for the prevalence of eating disorders?: fuck the media, its a fucking MENTAL disorder, grow the fuck up and stop blaming tv for everyones problems.
What's your opinion of Pro-Ana?: it makes me feel like i belong somewhere, like i have someone to talk to.
Do you have any other mental disorders? borderline personality disorder
What's your favourite food to eat?: lol, i'm not even going to answer that question
Favourite drink?: diet rootbeer and powerade zero
Do you often wish you didn't have an ED?: all the time
Do you want to recover?: it's complicated.


below are pictures from a couple nights ago, i weigh a couple pounds less now, but that wouldn't really be obvious.


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i carry pretty much all of my weight in my legs...

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my collarbones

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and my pretty much non existant hip bones.
so everything's been the same thing. not eating, hardly losing any weight because my mom's limiting my exercise due to my therapists recommendation. i've been cutting like mad because...i really don't know why. my boyfriend found out about my ed from my mom, fucking fantastic. i've seen him cry a few times because of me, and this time he really broke down. i feel so bad, i can't even describe it.

listening to from first to last. i've realized they have alot of songs about eds, and i kind of wonder, do they have one? lol. is that silly? i'm so blue right now, its going to be hard to not hurt myself tonight.

Dec. 4th, 2008

so i went to the therapist yesterday, i sat and confessed, and yet somehow lied my ass off to convince them i wouldn't hurt myself, which of course is a fucking lie. the pudgy little psychologist decided it would be best to think about it, wait until next friday to tell me. and then she goes "don't think about it to much, you'll end up getting more anxious and fast more." well how the fuck am i supposed to do that if you plan on sending me to a fucking ED clinic???? ugh, life sucks right now, so i'm trying to keep my mind off things by making friends mixed cds. day one of abc went according to plan:
day1:
calories allowed:500
calories consumed:420
exercise:50 crunches, 100 leg lifts, 250 calf raises, pilates, and 1/2 hr on stairmaster

day2:
calories allowed:500
calories consumed:(it will be this after i have soup for dinner)100
exercise: (i plan on) 100 crunches, 50 leg lifts, 1/2 hr stairs(maybe if the mother isn't home), 200 calf raises.

i really need weights for my arms, we have a weight bench and shit, but it's in my garage and it's about 20 something degrees outside. i'm good with that.
i'm finally down in the 120s range. i'm so excited, and the plan i've created for myself makes it oh so likely that i'll be 100 or less by christmas.

thanksgiving however is going to be a nightmare. i've set my limit to 300 calories. i hope to God i can stick to it.
so girls i've been wicked busy, over exercising is nearly killing me and school is such a drag. all i do is sit there and think of how much food i have to avoid at lunch and how to avoid eating the little bit of food we actually have at my house. but, fasting lately has become suprisingly easy. i no longer have hunger pains, and im no longer ever hungry. life right now seems to be good, until i stop losing. then..not so much. when i lose another 20 pounds, i'll post pictures.
today i had nothing, now im just looking at thinspo.
i might might might be getting a treadmill for christmas which i'll be on forever if i get it.
good bye fatty, hello mrs. skin and bones.
you guys have no idea how excited i am, lol.

Nov. 10th, 2008

shits gone down.
i started a new thinspo notebook,
a new fasting plan,
my parents are on a cruise for over a week,
and i haven't cut in a couple of days.

i guess you can say i'm fucking peachy.

PLUS BEST THINSPO EVER!!!!
http://thintoxicated.piczo.com/?g=47652073&cr=7

GO SEE IT NOW!! ahaaa
went to my grandfather's funeral yesterday. didn't eat anything.

today's intake: 300
outake:500

on the eigth i'm starting a week long fast.
anyone want to join?

dear diary,

nothing seems right anymore. ever since my grandfather died i can't stop eating whatever someone offers, i guess i'm just not concentrating on what i really want. i guess i'm concentrating on keeping myself together so i don't get sent away again. that's pretty much what i focus on all the time, going back. i make my decisions based on whether or not the consequences lead to being hospitalized. isn't that sad? lol. i weighed 125 lbs on friday last week, i am now 130. what the hell???? i can't wait to exercise tomorrow, my mom has to work and my brothers will probably have stuff to do. i'm going to climb up and down my stairs 200 times instead of 100 like i usually do, do 100 crunches, 15 sit ups (i can't do sit ups if my life depended on it), leg lifts, pilates, and probably clean the house before we have to go to the wake on sunday. i'm kind of excited, i will fucking lose at least ten pounds this month, maybe 20. i want to go see my grandmother and have her tell me that i look like i lost weight. hell, maybe even be told i've gotten to skinny. you know what? fuck 20 pounds, i'm going for thirty. this should be easy considering my parents will never be home this month and my step dad is to busy mourning that he doesn't really notice what i do. i'm actually quite excited, i could start exercising now, but i wouldn't want it to go to waste considering my grandmother will make me eat like a cow tonight.
sorry i havent been on in a while,
my grandparents were in a terrible car accident and two people died, including my granpa.
im busy now, so i wont be posting alot.