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i really need to stop purging

it's getting to the point where i'm at school, and i'll leave to purge a bottle of water. water, FUCKING WATER (did i mention i had 3 liters today alone)? it's making my cheeks look super puffy and fat and it makes my eyes all sunken in like i haven't slept. really unattractive.

seeeee! i'm all ashy and red and poofy and gross. kill me now. :/






still at 100, can't quite break it yet. it makes me want to cry and cry and cry and never stop.

i'm stuck at a plateau

and it's fucking annoying. 100.2 as of this morning, which hasn't really changed for the past week or so. anyone have any tips to get past this? i've been water fasting for 2 days and still nothing. going to do it for another two days and see if the number on the scale will shift at all. i sure the fuck hope so, because even though i'm proud of myself that i've gotten so small, i still want to be thinner.

also found out today that my lw is actually 70 instead of the 85/84 i thought it was. i got my hospital records from my mum and my chart shows a steady decline to 70 in weight from admission to rise to 110 i was at when discharged. i never really realized how low my blood pressure and heart rate were either at that time until i looked over my papers. it's weird to think about how much of a blur my stay was while i was at the clinic. i barely remember the first two weeks.

anyway, just giving everyone an update. i hope you are all doing well, and if not, remember tomorrow is a new day and a new start. anything is possible if you put your mind to it :)

and i can i just add that it's getting fucking cold! 45 degrees at the moment, and tomorrow's going to be a high of 62. fml.

hi everyone!

down to 100!!!! i am so so excited :D
here's a before and after :)

before: 165 in june (i'm the brunette)




after: 100 now!




face (kinda puffy from purging off and on) and collarbone (i'm super pale now >_>)


down to 145. i'm doing pretty well. i'm glad i've gotten my self control back.

went to the flea market today and walked around for 5 hours. got a new purse that has a pocket inside of a pocket that i can hide my laxatives and razors in. it's super cute, and i actually feel pretty today. it's a rare treat, but i'm glad i got to experience it.

intake:
(1) 2"X 0.50"piece of chicken; skinless: approx 150
(2) 8 oz cups black coffee: 0
(6) 8 oz cups of water: 0
---------------------------------------------------
TOTAL: 150
BURNED: 1,522 in just walking
^according to http://www.healthstatus.com/cgi-bin/calc/calculator.cgi

so i am -1,382 cals for the day. pretty fucking happy.
i have had nothing but black coffee today. i am now 148. i'm going down, slowly but surely. not as fast as i'd like unfortunately, but i'm just glad i'm losing. on another note, i might possibly be pregnant, and i'm freaking out incredibly. i can't take the test until saturday, and i am absolutely losing my mind.

i think i'm dying from anxiety.

sorry i've been gone for so long.

i went into treatment, and got better, and now i'm relapsing. in the past week i've lost 6 pounds. i've gotten so huge, and i am bound and determined to lose the weight again. anyone up for a fast?

stats:
height: 5'2"
cw: 160
hw: 166
lw: 80

day 1:
weight: 160
cals allowed: 0
intake: 0

day 2:
weight:
cals allowed: 500
intake:

day 3:
weight:
cals allowed: 0
intake:

day 4:
weight:
cals allowed: 0
intake:

day 5:
weight:
cals allowed: 0
intake:
so it's been quite a while and i'm sorry.
i honestly thought i was getting better...but i fucked up.
so now i'm back and worse than ever.
took laxatives, purged, tearing myself to shreds, AND worked out today, all while being sick.
fml.

how are you girls/guys?

sorry for the lack of posts

but i just got out of the hospital. it really sucked, as usual. so, now i need to get back on track. i hope everyone's doing well =D

cals consumed:300
cals allowed:500
cals burned:400

i have drivers ed for a month, which is fucking fantastic. i go to school at 6:30, don't get home until 2:30. as soon as i get home i go to therapy. after therapy i come home and do homework, then i have to go to drivers ed. i get home from that at 8 upon which i take my meds, get in the shower, and go to bed. I don't eat breakfast, i don't eat lunch, and i'm only forced to eat dinner like twice a week. PLUS last day of school is the 26, so i'll have sooooo much more time to workout and i'll be home alone more while mi madre is at work.

fuck yes.

i have a good feeling about 2009.

idk why, im usually really depressed on new years, but not this time. maybe its because im so motivated to do well this year and not make decisions based on whether or not i'm going to the hospital.

here's my new years resolutions.

1.to lose forty pounds. i'm going to make a checklist of weight loss, probably goal weights of two pounds each, so that way its easy to obtain and i'll cross out each time i go down.

2.to not binge, if i feel the need to, i'll come in my room and exercise, watch skins, or look at thinspo

3.to not cut so much, probably try for every other day rather than every day

4.to work out AT LEAST half an hour a day so then i know i burnt something off.

5.have a max calorie limit of 500, the majority of the time i eat less than that, but at least it gives me a bit of lee-way if i fuck up.

6.to fast AT LEAST 3 days a week.

7.to not bite my nails.


i had total binge day today though, nothing but ate, probably around 2000 cals which is disgusting, but i'm not even going to try burning them off today, it's already 1:00 so i'm liquid fasting until further notice.

because of my binge, i gained three pounds. i'm currently 128. so, here's my checklist. i'll strike them out as i go along. everytime i go down five of the numbers, i'll post pictures.
128
126
124
122
120
118
116
114
112
110
108
106
104
102
100
98
96
94
92
90
88
86
84

that's what i'm hoping to get to.

oh ana...

im so done with making up excuses for myself.
i will lose the forty pounds that i've made for my new years resolution because i will do everything ana tells me to.

no more binges
no more purging
no more calories
no more FAT.

and if it means that i'm going to end up cutting more, so be it.

its been a love hate relationship, but im done fighting her.
she's always been there for me, it's time i start to do the same.